stayroxy

I was just wondering, where do you guys gain weigt and not gain weight. I.e where do you gain first, where do you gain last.

For me, i dont gain weight in my legs or butt at all…. oh yah and I dont gain weight in my boobs either hahah, I gain weight in my arms and back first then hips and tummy

I feel like I have been doing good with my calorie count all week and a half and even before then for a month or so, and eating healthy foods  but I look in the mirror and i wonder “have i even changed at all, will i ever , should i just give up?”

just my mentality today

okay, so this post might be a particularily emotional one for me… My whole life my mom has made me feel weird about my weight. I’m not saying she does this intentional or she wants to hurt me but she does. I feel bad when she says backhanded comments like “are you sure you should be eating that” SARAH  still eating ?   or ohhhhh your having a second helping hey……just that kinda stuff and it makes me feel fat and ugly , it also makes me feel like my mother thinks im fat and ugly. Recently I told her about my ice cream job and she replied with ‘oh thats not a good job for you hey all that ice cream ” i just felt like yelling back ‘WHAT AM I FAT OR SOMETHING BECAUSE FOR YOUR INFORMATION I HAVENT EVEN INDULGED IN ANY OF THE FREE ICECREAM SO JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PLEASE ” I love my mother dont get me wrong but i wish she would back off sometimes. I am not really dangerously overweight or anything so i dont think she should be concerned . Last yr i was a size 6 this yr i gained a bit of weight and am a 8 or 9… which  yah, I’m not happy i went up a few sizes this yr which is why I am trying to lose it but i don’t need hr negative comments, especially since she is a hypocrit she eats bad things too and is a size 14 or 16 soooo………………….. It just seems like she is so obsessed with my weight , almost like its her body, it might have to do with the fact that her own father an obese man always used to call her fat and huge pig as a child. I feel bad that my mom had to live with a man like that. it must still effect her and I dont know if thats why she has such a fixation wit my body. It just makes me feel really bad though when she says those kinda back handed things to me although she has never`flat out said I was fat.

so im temporary working a summer job at marble slab creamery until my summer camp job starts in june and then after that im planning on getting a job while i complete university courses.  so yah …..how funny hey, I know work in an ice cream shop, I am allowed one free ice cream a shift but i haven’t taken them up on that offer yet and its been a week. I have been doing good in keeping with my calorie range but have been eating in front of the tv the past few days ! bad bad me ! that is a goal i set which is very important ! Imma get on that tommorow, tho a lil encouragment from you guys would’nt hurt ! lots of love!!! sarah

THE last few days I have not been achieving my goals well its WENDSDAY today and today is the day! It’s day one…. AGAIN as blaithin likes to say and even though its the morning I’m not gonna TRY and make today successful im deciding that today WILL be successful!!

thank -you

Sometimes I put a front to the world, a lot of times I do. I don’t tell my friends i hate when they take pictures of me cuz i feel fat and ugly. That would make me seem weird and anal. So i say nothing. I don’t tell anyone but my boyfriend and people on here I feel fat. And even on here I write about positive feelings etc. I know those are important and i do have them most of the time. But, I haven’t been totally honest on this blog cuz i have other feelings too sometimes. I think myabe a step towards changing my body and my life is to be honest for once even if it is just on here.

Confession: I don’t think I would ever develop an eating disorder and I know they are terrible but sometimes I wish i could so I could lose weight quickly, Sometimes I wish throwing up didnt hurt so that i could rid myself of the guilt i feel when i go over my calorie range for the day.

Confession: There have been days I decided I wanted to be aneroxic to lose weight but I never lasted more than a day because my hunger takes over.

Don’t get me wrong im glad I dont have an eating disorder I’m just being honest as to what goes on in my head sometimes

Obviously I am far from perfect and have a lot of issues with food and body image.Although I do not think I am diagnosable with any particulair disorder

Confession : I dont think anyone REALLY knows( not even my boyfriend) the inner anguish I go through on a daily basis with my weight. It really effects me and my happiness, and sometimes it feels like I am at war with myself. I feel trapped and helpless sometimes because I don’t have any money to live the active lifestyle I used to. (It’s not like I haven’t tried to change that I’m pretty sure I just landed a job starting in june.)

Confesson: I eat to ease the stress of university

sooo yah…… ………honesty….

okay sooo GRANTED, yesterday was not successful, I didnt really meet my goals, I didnt count my cals and i just ate what i wanted along with the midset WHO CARES. but i woke up this morning and realized me! me! I care! of course i care ! geesh! So I’m gonna start again today, One thing I’ve learned latley, largley due to this website is that EVERYONE makes mistakes and its okay to make them, you just start over and thats fine, completley fine. Today I’m only gonna have fruits for snacks and have vector for supper (i ALREADY had breakfast/lunch)

P.s what is the one body part that kinda drives u nuts, for me its my arms , i find them wide, thats the one body part im really looking forward to seeing slimmed down what about you guys whats the part your most excited to see transform ?

p.s.s GOOD LUCK YOU GUYS WE CAN ALL DO IT! AND ITS OKAY TO MAKE MISTAKES ITS PART OF THE PROCESS JUST PUT YOURSELF BACK INTO A POSITIVE STATE OF MIND AND GET BACK INT HE GAME

caio !

Okay, So I was feeling pretty good about myself the last week and half has been GREAT overall.. and by great I mean I  am sticking to my goals. (i.e not eating in front of the tv only consuming around 1500 cals a day etc) When i achieve these goals I automatically feel skinnier, even if I haven’t lost any weight because I am happy about sticking to my goals. So I went to the mall and felt confident enough to actually try some things on. I didn’t buy anything but the day was still awseome.

As night fell my boyfriend and I went out with some friends for a couple drinks and to see my friends boyfriends rock show. I was sitting on my boyfriends lap and my friend came over and took pictures of me from the weirdest angle, I looked at them, and in an instant two words POPPED right into my head,,,,  BULUGA WHALE. I looked at them and my whole happy day was like shattered, I looked so FAT i kept thinking to myself … look at the size of my arms . ow can my boyfriend even date me “! and how come every other girl can look so cute in pictures..

For once i want a picture of me and my boyfriend I can love and proudly display in a frame around the apartment. It weird tho, a simple picture took me from feel proud and confident to feeling awful about myself. I guess thats why i usually try and avoid pictures.

Later I told my boyfriend how I was feeling and he said it was ridiculous that people say im tiny and that im so beautiful and he loves me body. and Of course it makes me feel a lil better but not all that much and i say “People call me tiny cuz im short not skinny”

oh man …..just … stupid arg!