stayroxy

i was doing well with my calorie count this week cept the last couple days i have been eating over. i need a swift quick in the butt to get back on track and on the road to my 130 lb goal….

so its day 4 of my 14 day challange of following my cal budget to a tea, to get that last pound and  a half off. I will wait 10 more days till my next weigh in…. wow to see that 130 on the scale would give me such an amazing feeling of accomplishment…yesterday joel cancelled our date cuz his  grandma had a stroke!.. so i didnt go, hopefully she is okay. Today i have a date with an old school chum named kody.. im scared he asked me out on facebook and havent seen him in a couple years.. so who knows how it will be … at least i am pretty much the same weight now as i was then . soooooo I have to do a comput assignment worth 20% of my mark today .. grrr I’m so scared for this………. sigh…………

i am starting a 14 day challange of rigirously following my cal budget goals cuz i figure if i do well with this in 14 days i will have lost that last pound and  a half and finally be at my mini goal of 130 pounds… i have waited for this number for a very very very long time… its kinda not a mini goal but my real goal anything after that is just vanity pounds i can take off for fun. i have accomplished so much since ive been on buddy slim. i remember last summer writing a blog on here making a wish list… one of my wishes was to fit back into my 28 jeans.. how far away that goal seemed when i wrote it.. and in dec when i started making cal budget that goal finally came into fruition … so thanks buddy slim i would have never been able to been so diligent if it wasnt for you guys, i know i would have given up and now i have the confidence to feel like i can control my weight.. its a great feeling . i am going on a little date tonight with joel…. altho i have my girl buissness boo.. lol that always has a way of making u feel unsexy doesnt it lol… so anyway so far today  at noon i have eaten a bagel and strawberry cream cheese at 180 cals a yogurt at 35 and a fibre bar at 140  my goal today for cals is 1450

have a wonderful saturday buddies.. and stick to your own individual goals today~! you are worth the ffort, you are worth what u want dont let yourself tell you otherwise

thurs and fri i did very well with ym calorie budget ! go me !

soooo i am at 1540 for today that is my limit and cannot eat anymore.. i ca have a yummy breakfast and eat tommorow i want to go to bed satisfied that i followed my goals today.. i am also going to stop eating in front of the tv because it makes me hungry when i do that.

i have been letting myself slip latley… justifying over eating and not following my set out goals… enough is enough im just a bit over a pound over my mini goal and i cant give up now….i wanted this and i can do it if i simply tell myself im worth the effort

yay ..2.2 loss.. i amk suprised because i ave been going a bit over my cal limit of 1500 and have not exercised in two weeks i am now 131.6 yay down from 133.8 on jan 26th

 I want you to know that I know your brothers didn’t make those sites that said you were single while we were dating. I want you to know that i know you manipulated me into believeing this by crying.

I want you to know I know you flirted with my best friend while we were together. she told me and don’t think for a second I would ever doubt her and believe you.

I want you to know that I know while we were together Jessica saw you at work flirting  inappropriatley with waitresses and them all over you. Im sure this wasnt a one time occurance it was an ongoing thing you liked to engage in. Also the last time we went out for dinner you eye fucked the shit out of the waitress and told me what perfume she was wearing.. thanks for that , its a great last memory . I wish  jessica woulda told me then all that she saw But im sure I woulda been too blind and woulda just believed whatever excuse you told me anyway.

I want you to know im not the same small belittled person I was when we were together. You made me feel small. I have a great life I have a new job and exciting volunteer oppurtunities going for me. I have gotten into great shape and look fantastic. Guys ask me out all the time. I am doing great in school as always. .It feels great having people want to spend time with me.. to find value in me.. to not treat me like a chore that has to be endured. I have had grand romantic gestures done for me. I did them for you all the time but you never did them for me…(not for the last 8 months anyway ) i cried of happiness when it happaned because it had been so long since someone had been so thoughtful. I have had sex with other people and they are more passionate and senual then you.Your not as good in bed as you think you are. I have rediscovered my friends. I feel like myself again. When we were together i used to visualize cheating on you not because i wanted sex but because i envisoned a place where i would have attention and my emotional needs met. I love the fact that you would drop anything to drive whats his face around the city but it was a big huge burden to come to see me.

I want you to know I know u would come over and pretend to be sick to avoid spending time with me and magically you felt better when you left … how do u think that made me feel ? honestly. small all the time. even on your days off you would find excuses not to spend time with me. FOR  the last 8 months of our relationship i never once got to spend a weekend with you. You borrowed money for dinners and gas that you said you would pay back but never did…

 P.S U DIDNT EVER LOVE ME  i know that. and i didnt love u for the last 4 months of our relationship thats why i would never say it first anymore…

also…. you emotionally abused me…. here are things you said to me

“you ruined my life”

“you make me depressed”

“I wish i never would have met you”

“you give me physical health problems like ulcers ”

” i dont love u anymore  and i dont wanna be with you but i can still move into your apartment for free right ?” seriously… using me. you did this on a number of occasions. we got back together the next day I called you that week to tell you you would not be moving in with me. that displeased you .. haha…. at least theres one example where i stood up for myself.

you would also tell me you didnt love me anymroe then the next day deny everything and say I was the best thing in your life blah blah blah blah… hwo could i have been so stupid.. I take ownership of this one . Sometimes people believe fiction because the truth is scarier. But you knwo what, I never wanna live a lie ever again. I was too embaressed to tell my friends about this because i could barley believe i was staying with you and i didnt want them to think i was an idiot for it too.

p.s if your depressed it sure as hell was not because of me, start looking at yourself instead of putting all of your shit on me

i had to beg you to spend my birthday night with me….. how small that made me feel…… I think this is one of the lowest points in my entire life

the truth is i became used to you not being around and after awhile I stopped missing you. it stopped being hard because i fell outta love with you and expected you to treat me badly. It wasnt so much shell shocked anymore when it happaned.

I want you to know i used to stay with you out of fear , but im not scared anymore I’m the happiest i have ever been. I feel free like i can do anything. . I have the kind of resilence you never will. I will never tell you that though

I dont know if u stayed with me out of favour to me but p.s u werent doing me any favours. us breaking up is a huge gift for me.a blessing ….a gift from god… I’ve honestly thought about it this way. i felt trapped in our relationship… you know that scene in titanic… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChC1C4eAII8&feature=channel_page

well jack tells rose that

rose:”well im fine, ill be fine really ”

jack:”really? I dont think so. they’ve got you trapped rose and your gonna die if you dont break free maybe not right away because your strong but, sooner or later that fire that i love about you rose, that fires gonna burn out ”

rose: “its not up to you to save me jack”

jack: “your right only u can do that”

 you were kal … i used to envision you as kal… u know ur not meant to be with someone when you envision them as kal

i felt more alone the last 8 monthes i was with you then i do now  when i technically am alone “aka single” but the thing is im nto alone …. now… i have so many people who love me and care about me and enjoy spending time with me

i want u to know i was working on something for you for a year. an enitre year! i was going to plaque it and give it to you for christmas as a suprise i had saved every movie ticket every little thing and i made it all into a collage… a lot of it was things only we would understand. i even had the cd jacket fromn the mix cd u gave me on there.  i showed u a rough draft and u shrugged…… u didnt say anything….. u didnt care, Your apathy had became routine but i thought that would have at least warranted a smile. I never told you but i worked on that for a year…. just so you know, it was gonna be really cool. I threw it away a long time ago.

i want you to know that u keep on disapointing me. I thought 2 yrs with me would at least leave you wanting to be my friend but nope you ignore me and pretend like i dont exist. I guess thats not to much of a change huh  ? i didnt realize how much you did to me and how blissfully miserable i was until i was out of the relationship.. i see everything clearly.

you will never know how utterly and completley embaressed I am that i stayed in a relationship like this, that i let you  treat me that way, I am mortified and hate admitting it to myself or anyone else but its the truth and I think i was just in a lot of self denial and i was afraid.

and even when we broke up and i said

“im going to be okay”

you said

“i know you are its me im worried about ”

how selfless of you. haha… i continued to cry you continued to yell at me for crying then somehow i ended up consoling you… funny how thats how things usually happaned.

I want you to know that it feels great to know that from now on the bad things that happen to you and the bad feelings you feel will no longer be blamed on me. where are you going to put the blame when you dont have a scape goat…

…..  to be honest I worried about you too. because i was the one there to listen to you whenever you needed help if u called me and needed me to be over there i was… your mom called a few days after we broke up.. I asked her to take care of you cuz i couldnt anymore. I had to start taking care of me. after all someone has to .im sure the cocktail waitresses at work will be more than obliged to take over my old duties there you go stud

I am 100% over you. Today is the last day your name will ever leave my lips. you are free from me….. and i from you. I can look in the mirror everyday and be happy with who i am in every aspect.

you wanna know what hurts the most. that you flirted with my best friend. that really hurts not only were u willing to fuck me over but you were willing to try to bring other people in my life in on it… it never escalated into anything because shes not that type but what if she wasnt an amazing friend it could easily have escalated.. the fact that you would even go there makes me lose that last ounce of respect i have for you.. I mean it had to be my friend…… wow…. just wow

I know you wanted to love me but just couldnt and I dont blame you for that. More importantly I finally stopped blaming myself for it.

I can thank you for 4 things, helping me learn about what i want, who i am, helping me to grow from certain experiences and setting me free… I also wanna thank you for the first yr, you were great during the first year and I never felt so special. We all know things changed the second year but I wouldnt give the first back for anything.

You should be well aware that I’ve always tried to protect you even if it meant putting myself on the back burner. k stop…. you know its true…. just dont. maybe you tried to protect me too… maybe you thought staying with me was protecting me…. and if thats the case i guess your intentions were good but… you couldnt have been more wrong …being treated like that wasnt protecting me at all.. it was onyl hurting me… the nicest thing u did for me was setting me free from it all

I’ll always remember when you said.

“im not always the bad guy sarah your this and that!”

A funny thing struck me instantly. I never once called you a bad guy not once. in fact I always complimented you and told you you were a great person.. the bad guy idea…. that came from you……. and it was mroe or less like you were trying to convince yourself you werent the bad guy, not me. I dont think your a bad person… okay…. I don’t

 At the end of the day I want you to be okay, I want you to be well and happy. Can’t fully explain it but I do. I want you to learn how to love someone and to treat them right. I will always wonder why you didnt have the capacity to treat me that way…. but if …… you learn how to do it for someone else I promise you  that at some unknown destination  there will be a  smile on my lips. You will get there, I have faith that beautiful things can happen .

I realize to stay on track with my body goals I must continue to write these blogs. this site. these blogs and peoples support is of vital importance to me and my success.. it means more than you will ever know.. I even found the confidence to start dating again after a bad relationship! I go out with my friends more and I just feel good about me… but these last few days ive been slipping up and I dont want all that iev accomplished to slip away too so im going to restate my goals… that is good for all of us to re claim now and again

goal one be 130 pounds

be as fit as i can be

eat 1400-1500 cals a day

 on work out days 1600

count and write down every calorie i eat

stick to my budget

exercise

blog blog blog

believe in myself that ic an do it and not justify not following my goals

these goals ARE important I AM worth the effort and i WANT THIS !!! this is more me talking to myself…..BUT I DO sooo today is going to be a good day.. its going to be a get back onn track day and a beautiful day of achieving my goals for myself!

i did well today . I ate 1490 cals and exercised ! YAY  ALSO  I am not weighing in this weekend but next weekend. BY that time it will have been 4 weeks since my last weigh in… i am… eager… id love to see that 130 on the scale